Month: July 2012

Lean Into It

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 Reading the latest IndyWeek this morning with my coffee I stumbled upon my horoscope.  Ok, I didn’t stumble upon it… I purposefully sought it out and read it….  Nonetheless, I felt compelled to share it because I definitely needed to receive this planted suggestion this morning.
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Libra (September 23-October 22)

Philosopher William Irwin Thompson says that we humans are like flies creeping along the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. We literally cannot see the splendor that surrounds us. As a result, we don’t live in reality. We’re lost in our habitual perceptions, blinded by our favorite illusions, and addicted to beliefs that hide the true nature of the universe. That’s the bad news, Libra. The good news is that every now and then, each of us slips into a grace period when it’s possible to experience at least some of the glory we’re normally cut off from. The veil opens, and previously undetected beauty appears. The weeks ahead will be the closest you’ve come to this breakthrough in a long time.

A perfect example of this shortsightedness has been my summer so far, my summer that is almost over: I have been so hyperfocused on the work list I need to do this summer for my other job and its heft and length, the unfairness of this, and the minutia required to either work at chunking off sections or avoid tackling it at all, that I have missed so many opportunities to enjoy simple splendors surrounding me.

I have been that fly crawling around on the Sistine chapel, unable to see anything except menopause webpages, files in black notebooks, and small avenues of temporary escape.  So, starting today, I plan to back it up and take notice of the beauty around me at any given moment.

I am also reminded of some advice I recently read on a Pema Chodron link for dealing with uncomfortable situations or any human suffering or pain:  change the way you see it and lean into it.  At the time, I did not completely “get” what she was advising.  The change your perspective part seemed too simple and the lean into it seemed obtuse.  Now it makes sense.  I have a few more days of work before I set out on what might be my last getaway of the summer.  I am also reminded of a friend’s facebook post the other day that asked people to stop all the whining and complaining.  She said:

There is too much negativity out there. Folks need to stop complaining and count their blessings, stop looking at everyone else and judging them, etc. Who is perfect? Be happy, peeps. AND, if you took a vacation this year… what do you have to complain about? Nothing. Nada. Smile already. Oh, and stop watching Fox News, yo. That was on at the gym this morning and all they did was spew more negativity, but the Today Show was highlighting the Olympics and I would have much rather watched that because that, my friends, is a positive. Positive begets positive. Add more happy to your life. Happy = GOOD!

Dawn is on point.  This is my second vacation this summer.  I have nothing to complain about.  I am happy and that equals good.

Ten reasons why I feel crappy today

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Bean wants to know why I feel badly today and when I went to bring my son lunch money at work and he asked me to sit with him while he ate so we could talk and catch up, he asked:  “why do you look so sad?”  I really could not give him an answer.  The answer I gave Bean was ‘nothing specific,’ but really ‘nothing yet everything’ felt more appropriate.

So, I am writing to see if I can discover the answer.  I guess I could hang it on the menopausal coat rack, but that is becoming farcical at this point.

So, here goes.  First to define how I feel.  I feel lethargic and like I could cry if I had enough energy to put into it.  I feel tense in my shoulders and warm and yucky.  I feel unattractive and kind of sad.  I have no one reason, but I do have many.  Here are some:

1.  There are no clean bath towels in my house.  I am not sure where they all are– perhaps the same place as all of the teaspoons.

2.  My uterine prolapse has been bothering me the last few days, randomly and I am not sure why- so I have a physical heaviness in my pelvic region that makes me paranoid and causes me to google disorders and treatments.  I find myself making hypotheses like “having a tipped uterus makes one more likely to suffer from the “cele sisters.”

3. I spent over an hour today googling yoga positions that help with retroverted uterus or prolapse, but didn’t do any of them.

4.  My to do list– it is endless and I don’t seem to be making great progress lately.

5.  I have gray roots that are approximately 3/4 of an inch and they stress me greatly.  I am sick to death of coloring my hair.

6.  I am not eating well.  When I say that I am not eating well, don’t get the wrong idea.  There seems to never be a time where I don’t eat enough; I am not eating the right things.  Last night I skipped supper and then ordered Hershey breadsticks from Pizza Hut to eat at 10:36 pm.

7. I worry about the mildewy smell in my house.  My dehumidifier fills up very quickly and when my air comes on it smells mildewy.  I picture black mold in my crawl space and/or venting.

8.  I miss Bean.  The on and off nature of our relationship is unsettling and makes me feel unbalanced all the time.

9.  I feel like I should be doing so many things and yet I am compelled to do none today.

10.  Bean wants me to meet them to go hiking, but that requires a shower and me fixing my hair, and I am lacking energy and a towel.

Just Do It comes to mind just now, so I will.  I will just make myself take a shower using a pool towel and go and meet Bean and the little beans for a hike.  I will take the advice I give everyone else all the time and choose a positive space to occupy for at least part of this day.

9 vials of blood– 8.5 mil each

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That’s how much blood was ordered drawn by my new menopause specialist, Tammy Worrell of Triad Integrative Wellness Center.  I found Tammy, who is a registered NP and not a doctor [not a big fan of doctors, myself], using an Internet search of women’s holistic care and natural hormone treatment in my area.  Of course, she is not a network provider for the state health plan of NC- of which I am a member- and so I have to pay her $150 per visit charge out-of-pocket and then file myself [for record of payment only], since BC/BS will pay 60% only after I meet a ridiculous $1300 deductible.  I had my first visit over the phone where I was asked many questions about my health history and my goals for the visit[s] to come.

My stated goals were:

1. to check hormone levels and obtain access to bioidentical hormone treatment if warranted

2. to have all of my thyroid levels checked and make sure that I am receiving optimal dosing of natural thyroid [I have Hashimoto’s Disease]

I told her of the issues I was having that I am attributing to menopause/perimenopause:  dizziness, eye dryness and irritation, wild mood swings, headaches, sleep issues, fatigue, loss of muscle strength, spaciness/mental fog… all of these could be related to thyroid or other issues just as easily, but it’s kind of nice to have one hat rack to hang them all on.

Tammy asks that you pay her a $100 deposit each time you make an appt in order to guarantee you will keep that appointment or cancel it in a timely manner [which seems counterproductive for women suffering from mental fog and memory issues].  She also asks that you sign an agreement that you will not file frivolous malpractice claims against her.  I went ahead and signed since I don’t make a habit of doing this, and feel like if I was going to take the time to file a claim against a health provider, it would not be a frivolous act and would be based on some serious misconduct.  However, both of these unusual requests make being Tammy’s new patient a little anxiety provoking.

Tammy stood out and was someone I might want to seek out for treatment because she is open to bioidentical and natural hormone treatment and provides treatment in a holistic manner [meaning the whole person mind/body/spirit].  I have been dealing with hypothyroidism for almost 20 years and have a great understanding of this condition and the way it affects me and needs to be treated.  In my experience, most general practitioners, gynecologists, and unfortunately even specialists in endocrine disorders, do not have an intricate or extensive knowledge about thyroid disease and how Hashimoto’s is unique in cause, symptoms, and treatment needs.  It is very disappointing to have a book/Internet knowledge about a condition that appears to exceed that of the person you are trusting to treat you.

I showed up at LabCorp on Monday morning bright and early ready to leave my blood when I was asked to sign a waiver and hand over a credit card stating that if my $3,469 worth of lab work was found non-covered then I would be responsible for payment on that card.  Wow, just wow.  I said, “hold on,” and called my provider to make sure that this lab work would be covered even though ordered by an out of network provider.  And… whew, yes… so, we proceeded.

Waiting for lab work now and about to make an appt to go in and discuss the results.  This summer has been hot as hell on earth and new occasional episodes of personal warmth [I cannot call them full-fledged hot flashes because I don’t feel like I might die during them, just very warm] make it even hotter.  I have never been so ready for fall before August!

I escape by reading about hiking the Appalachian Trail [but that’s another blog entry] since I am currently plowing through AT thru-hike memoirs and enjoying each hike vicariously.  Currently, I am on day 28 of 46 Days:  Keeping Up with Jennifer Pharr Davis on the Appalachian Trail.