Tag: DMARDs

How long do I have to wait for some biologics?

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I’m having a bad day.  Hell, I’m having a bad week..month.. year.  I alternate between being a super stoic and what feels like a big baby.  On bad days, I can be short-tempered, ignore you, or be downright mean.  I feel sorry for myself way more often than I want to.  Tonight is injection night and I don’t want to stick that needle full of antifreeze into my thigh because today I don’t have much evidence that it is working.  What it does do is make me crazy, exhausted, and sick.  I guess it’s working, because I am making it through each day.  I’m still working two jobs.  I am keeping my head above water.  My feet don’t feel broken when I step onto them each morning, but this disease is so capricious in its expression that I feel like I wake up every morning on some demented game show– What the Fuck Hurts Today?  This month, the background music has been the pain in my neck that makes me walk funny and behave like a manikin.  A few of the contestants have been the nails in the tops of my feet, my aching and useless left thumb, and my left knee.  Even my jaws hurt.  The day I saw the doctor last, must have been a good day, because I gave myself 2’s and 3’s.  I am not sure I have had that good of day since.  I find myself wanting to tell this doctor how great it’s going.  I don’t want to tell her that I feel like I am failing on Methotrexate.  I did ask, “how long until I feel good again, like, I don’t hurt?”  She said, “now come on, you’re fifty, it’s not ever going to be perfect.”  I don’t want perfect, but I do want my life back.

I don’t want my blog to be a big whine fest [especially since I am not supposed to even have wine with Mtx].  I don’t want to have to ask for an antidepressant.  She already gave me Tramadol for pain, so clearly she is pointing me in that direction.  I have always been the no-nonsense girl who finds depression so self-indulgent.  If you have time to be depressed, I’ve always thought, you don’t have enough to keep you busy.  But now, I find my boyfriend telling me I need to watch out for depression, like it might be sneaking up behind me.

And other than my sister’s good fortune today, he was the bright spot in my day–my Bean.   Tonight, he went to the drugstore and then to Wal-mart and bought me all kinds of goodies.peas ice bag tens

Icy Hot patches, disposable tens units, peas ice bag, ice bags to fill [large and small], and so much relief in a couple of bags.  So, now, I sit in the corner typing as my neck crackles, ripples, and pops in mini spasms from this tens unit, appreciating someone who took the time to take care of me today.  It makes me seriously tear up in gratitude.  ❤

Methotrexate

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I had my med management appt at the rheumy the other day and I had done my research.  I was ready for an aggressive approach advocated by research for people recently diagnosed, only Dr. B was having none of that.  She wanted to do the monomodal approach using the old standby Methotrexate.  I asked which was more effective, MTX or one of the new biologics?  She answered, “well, of course the biologics are, but they are only for people with moderate to severe disease states and for whom MTX did not work or stopped working.”  I said, “you mean, the insurance won’t let you?” She answered, “yes, they have to try the cheap and tried and true drugs first.”  So, there you have it.  Blue Cross/Blue Shield has predetermined my treatment because MTX is cheap and has a generic form and the biologics are new and cutting edge and don’t have generic forms and so I have to wait until I am pretty bad off to get one of them.  I am trying to stay super positive though, and so I am going with gratitude that I am not bad off enough to rate a biologic yet and may never be if MTX puts me into remission and keeps me there.

Dr. B told me that MTX does not have a lot of side effects, the Internet told a different story, so holding my 4 pills plus a folic acid pill in my hand last night I did have pause thinking of the most noxious of side effects like nausea, dizziness, hair loss, stomach pain, extreme fatigue, and so on, that I could experience.  I was alone and I wondered what would happen if I had some awful reaction or got really sick.  But, I was tired, and so I swallowed them and went to bed.

Well, guess what?  I slept like a nice rock.  I remembered to take my nighttime 800 Motrin, so I awoke with less foot pain and even my hands were not too stiff.  I had diarrhea almost immediately after waking, but that was it.  The rest of the day was, frankly– the best day of this past week.  I felt pretty good all day long. So, I feel pretty victorious, like I kicked butt or something.  I am not sure what this means:  I got a bad batch, I’m a badass, I am not affected by this drug like other people are, it’s going to work great, it’s not going to work great, who knows… but I am thankful that I did not have bad side effects today.  I only take it once a week, so I won’t take another dose until next weekend, and Dr. B says I won’t really notice improvements until after like 6 weeks, so it’s a slow drug.  I hope the side effects don’t take that long to show up.

I’m off to bed now.  Everything I read says I need my rest.  I’m feeling positive and hopeful tonight. 🙂