Bean wants to know why I feel badly today and when I went to bring my son lunch money at work and he asked me to sit with him while he ate so we could talk and catch up, he asked: “why do you look so sad?” I really could not give him an answer. The answer I gave Bean was ‘nothing specific,’ but really ‘nothing yet everything’ felt more appropriate.
So, I am writing to see if I can discover the answer. I guess I could hang it on the menopausal coat rack, but that is becoming farcical at this point.
So, here goes. First to define how I feel. I feel lethargic and like I could cry if I had enough energy to put into it. I feel tense in my shoulders and warm and yucky. I feel unattractive and kind of sad. I have no one reason, but I do have many. Here are some:
1. There are no clean bath towels in my house. I am not sure where they all are– perhaps the same place as all of the teaspoons.
2. My uterine prolapse has been bothering me the last few days, randomly and I am not sure why- so I have a physical heaviness in my pelvic region that makes me paranoid and causes me to google disorders and treatments. I find myself making hypotheses like “having a tipped uterus makes one more likely to suffer from the “cele sisters.”
3. I spent over an hour today googling yoga positions that help with retroverted uterus or prolapse, but didn’t do any of them.
4. My to do list– it is endless and I don’t seem to be making great progress lately.
5. I have gray roots that are approximately 3/4 of an inch and they stress me greatly. I am sick to death of coloring my hair.
6. I am not eating well. When I say that I am not eating well, don’t get the wrong idea. There seems to never be a time where I don’t eat enough; I am not eating the right things. Last night I skipped supper and then ordered Hershey breadsticks from Pizza Hut to eat at 10:36 pm.
7. I worry about the mildewy smell in my house. My dehumidifier fills up very quickly and when my air comes on it smells mildewy. I picture black mold in my crawl space and/or venting.
8. I miss Bean. The on and off nature of our relationship is unsettling and makes me feel unbalanced all the time.
9. I feel like I should be doing so many things and yet I am compelled to do none today.
10. Bean wants me to meet them to go hiking, but that requires a shower and me fixing my hair, and I am lacking energy and a towel.
Just Do It comes to mind just now, so I will. I will just make myself take a shower using a pool towel and go and meet Bean and the little beans for a hike. I will take the advice I give everyone else all the time and choose a positive space to occupy for at least part of this day.