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Lean Into It

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 Reading the latest IndyWeek this morning with my coffee I stumbled upon my horoscope.  Ok, I didn’t stumble upon it… I purposefully sought it out and read it….  Nonetheless, I felt compelled to share it because I definitely needed to receive this planted suggestion this morning.
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Libra (September 23-October 22)

Philosopher William Irwin Thompson says that we humans are like flies creeping along the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. We literally cannot see the splendor that surrounds us. As a result, we don’t live in reality. We’re lost in our habitual perceptions, blinded by our favorite illusions, and addicted to beliefs that hide the true nature of the universe. That’s the bad news, Libra. The good news is that every now and then, each of us slips into a grace period when it’s possible to experience at least some of the glory we’re normally cut off from. The veil opens, and previously undetected beauty appears. The weeks ahead will be the closest you’ve come to this breakthrough in a long time.

A perfect example of this shortsightedness has been my summer so far, my summer that is almost over: I have been so hyperfocused on the work list I need to do this summer for my other job and its heft and length, the unfairness of this, and the minutia required to either work at chunking off sections or avoid tackling it at all, that I have missed so many opportunities to enjoy simple splendors surrounding me.

I have been that fly crawling around on the Sistine chapel, unable to see anything except menopause webpages, files in black notebooks, and small avenues of temporary escape.  So, starting today, I plan to back it up and take notice of the beauty around me at any given moment.

I am also reminded of some advice I recently read on a Pema Chodron link for dealing with uncomfortable situations or any human suffering or pain:  change the way you see it and lean into it.  At the time, I did not completely “get” what she was advising.  The change your perspective part seemed too simple and the lean into it seemed obtuse.  Now it makes sense.  I have a few more days of work before I set out on what might be my last getaway of the summer.  I am also reminded of a friend’s facebook post the other day that asked people to stop all the whining and complaining.  She said:

There is too much negativity out there. Folks need to stop complaining and count their blessings, stop looking at everyone else and judging them, etc. Who is perfect? Be happy, peeps. AND, if you took a vacation this year… what do you have to complain about? Nothing. Nada. Smile already. Oh, and stop watching Fox News, yo. That was on at the gym this morning and all they did was spew more negativity, but the Today Show was highlighting the Olympics and I would have much rather watched that because that, my friends, is a positive. Positive begets positive. Add more happy to your life. Happy = GOOD!

Dawn is on point.  This is my second vacation this summer.  I have nothing to complain about.  I am happy and that equals good.

Ten reasons why I feel crappy today

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Bean wants to know why I feel badly today and when I went to bring my son lunch money at work and he asked me to sit with him while he ate so we could talk and catch up, he asked:  “why do you look so sad?”  I really could not give him an answer.  The answer I gave Bean was ‘nothing specific,’ but really ‘nothing yet everything’ felt more appropriate.

So, I am writing to see if I can discover the answer.  I guess I could hang it on the menopausal coat rack, but that is becoming farcical at this point.

So, here goes.  First to define how I feel.  I feel lethargic and like I could cry if I had enough energy to put into it.  I feel tense in my shoulders and warm and yucky.  I feel unattractive and kind of sad.  I have no one reason, but I do have many.  Here are some:

1.  There are no clean bath towels in my house.  I am not sure where they all are– perhaps the same place as all of the teaspoons.

2.  My uterine prolapse has been bothering me the last few days, randomly and I am not sure why- so I have a physical heaviness in my pelvic region that makes me paranoid and causes me to google disorders and treatments.  I find myself making hypotheses like “having a tipped uterus makes one more likely to suffer from the “cele sisters.”

3. I spent over an hour today googling yoga positions that help with retroverted uterus or prolapse, but didn’t do any of them.

4.  My to do list– it is endless and I don’t seem to be making great progress lately.

5.  I have gray roots that are approximately 3/4 of an inch and they stress me greatly.  I am sick to death of coloring my hair.

6.  I am not eating well.  When I say that I am not eating well, don’t get the wrong idea.  There seems to never be a time where I don’t eat enough; I am not eating the right things.  Last night I skipped supper and then ordered Hershey breadsticks from Pizza Hut to eat at 10:36 pm.

7. I worry about the mildewy smell in my house.  My dehumidifier fills up very quickly and when my air comes on it smells mildewy.  I picture black mold in my crawl space and/or venting.

8.  I miss Bean.  The on and off nature of our relationship is unsettling and makes me feel unbalanced all the time.

9.  I feel like I should be doing so many things and yet I am compelled to do none today.

10.  Bean wants me to meet them to go hiking, but that requires a shower and me fixing my hair, and I am lacking energy and a towel.

Just Do It comes to mind just now, so I will.  I will just make myself take a shower using a pool towel and go and meet Bean and the little beans for a hike.  I will take the advice I give everyone else all the time and choose a positive space to occupy for at least part of this day.

9 vials of blood– 8.5 mil each

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That’s how much blood was ordered drawn by my new menopause specialist, Tammy Worrell of Triad Integrative Wellness Center.  I found Tammy, who is a registered NP and not a doctor [not a big fan of doctors, myself], using an Internet search of women’s holistic care and natural hormone treatment in my area.  Of course, she is not a network provider for the state health plan of NC- of which I am a member- and so I have to pay her $150 per visit charge out-of-pocket and then file myself [for record of payment only], since BC/BS will pay 60% only after I meet a ridiculous $1300 deductible.  I had my first visit over the phone where I was asked many questions about my health history and my goals for the visit[s] to come.

My stated goals were:

1. to check hormone levels and obtain access to bioidentical hormone treatment if warranted

2. to have all of my thyroid levels checked and make sure that I am receiving optimal dosing of natural thyroid [I have Hashimoto’s Disease]

I told her of the issues I was having that I am attributing to menopause/perimenopause:  dizziness, eye dryness and irritation, wild mood swings, headaches, sleep issues, fatigue, loss of muscle strength, spaciness/mental fog… all of these could be related to thyroid or other issues just as easily, but it’s kind of nice to have one hat rack to hang them all on.

Tammy asks that you pay her a $100 deposit each time you make an appt in order to guarantee you will keep that appointment or cancel it in a timely manner [which seems counterproductive for women suffering from mental fog and memory issues].  She also asks that you sign an agreement that you will not file frivolous malpractice claims against her.  I went ahead and signed since I don’t make a habit of doing this, and feel like if I was going to take the time to file a claim against a health provider, it would not be a frivolous act and would be based on some serious misconduct.  However, both of these unusual requests make being Tammy’s new patient a little anxiety provoking.

Tammy stood out and was someone I might want to seek out for treatment because she is open to bioidentical and natural hormone treatment and provides treatment in a holistic manner [meaning the whole person mind/body/spirit].  I have been dealing with hypothyroidism for almost 20 years and have a great understanding of this condition and the way it affects me and needs to be treated.  In my experience, most general practitioners, gynecologists, and unfortunately even specialists in endocrine disorders, do not have an intricate or extensive knowledge about thyroid disease and how Hashimoto’s is unique in cause, symptoms, and treatment needs.  It is very disappointing to have a book/Internet knowledge about a condition that appears to exceed that of the person you are trusting to treat you.

I showed up at LabCorp on Monday morning bright and early ready to leave my blood when I was asked to sign a waiver and hand over a credit card stating that if my $3,469 worth of lab work was found non-covered then I would be responsible for payment on that card.  Wow, just wow.  I said, “hold on,” and called my provider to make sure that this lab work would be covered even though ordered by an out of network provider.  And… whew, yes… so, we proceeded.

Waiting for lab work now and about to make an appt to go in and discuss the results.  This summer has been hot as hell on earth and new occasional episodes of personal warmth [I cannot call them full-fledged hot flashes because I don’t feel like I might die during them, just very warm] make it even hotter.  I have never been so ready for fall before August!

I escape by reading about hiking the Appalachian Trail [but that’s another blog entry] since I am currently plowing through AT thru-hike memoirs and enjoying each hike vicariously.  Currently, I am on day 28 of 46 Days:  Keeping Up with Jennifer Pharr Davis on the Appalachian Trail.

Thank you, Jimmy Fallon

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I was watching Jimmy Fallon on a talk show this morning and he was talking about a new book called Thank You Notes where he basically writes satirical thank you notes to people for random things that have caught his attention or caused him some sort of discomfort.  My interest was immediately piqued because I am all about gratitude.  I think that a positive attitude is life changing.  However, just like the next gal, I do get irritated about stuff.  And, I often find myself marveling over the mundane and wanting to share my wonder. Here is a method for either sharing your wonder or your irritation using sarcasm [one of my favor forms of humor] and a way to do it in positive, gratitude-based form.  How cool is that?

Jimmy Fallon reads these on his show.  Here are some of my personal favorites: 

Thank you, guy standing in front of me in the elevator at work this morning who I basically spooned with standing up. If only the elevator was playing some Ke$ha instead that music, I would have been all up in that piece.

Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.

Thank you, beach season, for helping us identify the people completely incapable of shame.

Thank you, marshmallow Peeps, for being somehow much easier to snack on than real baby chickens.

Thank you, me from 3 months ago, for promising that I’ll get in shape during the winter. You lying sack of shit. It’s 4:00, put down the Cinnabon.

So, after hearing/reading some of these I decided to write a few of my own based on a recent trip to NYC.

Thank you, Delta airlines attendants for blithely telling us that bar code on the phone would work when you probably knew it never works.  We got to wait in line for the TSA encounter twice!

Thank you, interesting cab driver who couldn’t pronounce Europe, for dropping us off at the entry point that turned out to be the absolute farthest from the gate we needed.

Thank you, Delta staff, for not telling us there was a shuttle that could have prevented us from dragging our stuff on a mile long trek across terrible carpeting and down halls where the people movers were not moving any people.

Thank you, smelly woman on the plane, for not standing up more than two times and allowing the cloud of funk around you to waft backward toward our seat.

Thank you, subway announcer speaking unintelligible ghetto speak, figuring out which stop we were at and how many more we had to go was like a brain stimulating puzzle and that, along with trying to figure out what the hell you were saying, gave us something to do on the long train ride to Coney Island.

Thank you, crazy rude cab driver #1, for not knowing how to program your little box and using such an unfriendly tone that we decided to find another cab.  The seat belts were buried in the seat and had we stayed in your cab we might have been flung through the windows in an expressway collision on the way to JFK.

Thank you, 80’s boom box toting hoodlum at Nathan’s, we love sitting in broiling hot sun and being deafened by really annoying rap music while we eat our messy hot dogs.

Thank you, Monkey Room, for only putting four shrimp in my shrimp cocktail, at $4.50 per shrimp, I couldn’t have afforded more.

I could go on but I have to go to sleep because my trip wore me out.  Bean, if you can think of any just comment them on here or email me and I will include them.

Oh, and thank you, Jimmy Fallon, for giving me a new and funny way to complain 🙂

Yummy Broccoli & Cheese Soup

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Trying to find ways to use my Vitamix and incorporate fresh vegetables into my daily diet.  Here is the recipe that I found on AllRecipes.com and then altered a bit to fit my needs today.  Feel free to play with it if you like.

Cream of Broccoli Soup with Cheese

  • 4 cups fresh broccoli
  • 3 or 4 cups water
  • 2-4 tbsp. finely chopped leeks or onion
  • 2 tbsp. butter
  • chicken bouillon and water or 1 c. chicken broth
  • 1/3 c. flour
  • 2- 2 1/2 c. whole milk or half and half
  • salt to taste
  • pepper to taste
  • 1/4 tsp. nutmeg
  • 1/2-1 cup shredded cheese [I used Cheddar and Monterey jack]

Cook the broccoli in the water for just 5 to 10 minutes on med high.  Save water to the side.  Take 3/4 of the broccoli and process it until smooth.  Chop the rest into smaller pieces.  Melt the butter in the bottom of a sturdy dutch oven or sauce pot and saute the leeks for 5-10 minutes until golden brown.  Add the flour and stir to make a brown rue.  Slowly stir back in the water from the broccoli and the broth or an extra cup of water and bouillon.  Bring to a rapid boil and cook until the mixture begins to thicken nicely.  Add all the broccoli back in, season, and stir in milk or half and half and cheese and cook through. 

Delicious– with a really pretty fresh green color.

Having a child with Bipolar Disorder is like…

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One of my children has a mood disorder. I don’t want to violate his confidentiality, so I won’t tell you which one it is. In case you’ve ever wondered what it might be like to parent a child, teen, or young adult with a mood disorder, I will help you out.

It’s like riding a rollercoaster all day long while trying to do everything else you need to do. I get quite a bit done while we are clicking along on the upswing, but those plunges, well they can be downright challenging.

That's me trying to make a business call. Well, not really, but you get the point.

I’ve taken to keeping lids on my drinks.

Don’t get me wrong.. he is a fun and funny kid. It’s just that trying to do the rollercoaster thing every day, well, it sometimes wears you out.

To be fair, I’m sure he gets weary too.

Until we meet again, Oprah

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Today Oprah aired her very last show after 25 seasons.  You know I was watching.  She didn’t give away any cars or houses or trips.  Instead, in a pretty classy move, she just said goodbye and thank you to all her viewers over the space of an hour in an understated but still powerful way.  She ended by saying that she didn’t want to say goodbye, but instead would say ‘until we meet again.’  Funny, I have never met Oprah, but after all these years, I do feel like I know her, and boy, have we both come a long way in 25 years.

Twenty-five years ago today, I was 22 years old.  I was living in the little paradise of Clarkton, NC- insulated from the rest of the world- caring for my little cherub, Jason.  I was newly married and basking in the light of this beautiful baby and the slow delicious tempo of that very first year of his life.  I never imagined what I had ahead of me.  I am glad I didn’t know, either.  I would not trade many of my experiences, however, because they all conspired to make me the person that I am today.  I remember that girl from 25 years ago, but I am not her.  I am a wiser, more self-actualized version of her.  I know this might sound silly, but I can honestly say that Oprah did contribute along the way.

Oprah recalled a guest today who had suffered a stroke in her thirties.  This woman was a doctor.  She was highly educated and respected in her profession, but after her stroke many people discounted her and talked about her like she wasn’t in the room or did not even take the time to look into her eyes when they provided direct care.  Her brain injury was to the left side of her brain which affected her speech, so she could not talk and found other things very difficult, but her compensating right brain allowed her some new perception.  She could perceive people’s energies immediately, powerfully, and could know instantly if they brought negative or positive energy to her.  She is fully recovered and wrote a memoir, which I still want to read, but the power of sensing energy has stayed with her and left its mark.  Oprah shared that she keeps a pretty version of a quote from this woman in her office; it reads “Take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space.”  That is powerful and it sums up a lot of what Oprah has shared over the years and what I have internalized.  That we are responsible for ourselves and what we bring to the table each day and what we put out to others… that the energy we put out is the energy we get back.

She had her 4th grade teacher on as a guest, again.  This woman must be 90.  She is lovely and you can see the goodness in her eyes and the softness of her face.  She made a difference in Oprah’s life because she acknowledged her.  She ‘saw’ Oprah, she treated her with kindness, she let her pass out the graham crackers in her classroom, and in so many little ways, she validated Oprah.  Oprah believes that this is what each of us desires– to be seen, to be recognized, appreciated, validated.  Oprah, I agree.

Oprah uncovered the dysfunction in the world and said “you are not alone.”  She was trusted and loved because she didn’t just try to extract everyone else’s secrets; she shared her own and became one of us.  She is one of many strong women I have admired.

I’ll miss you, Oprah.

Zen again..

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Tranquil.  Still.  Peace filled.  Unflappable.  Relaxed.  Composed.  Placid.  Calm.

Last time I went off sugar and white flour, I experienced zen on day 9.  This time it has taken until day 15, maybe because I was PMS’ing for the first week or so of this adventure.  I am writing, after a nearly 3 month dry spell, so that I can document this state of being.

How can I describe this feeling I call zen?  I am really misusing the word since zen actually refers to a state of meditation and what I am feeling is more like a sense of peace and serenity.  Today, it hit me again, this feeling that I have not felt since the last couple days of my last food challenge, thus confirming the connection to the absence of sugar, white flour, or artificial sweeteners in my diet.  This calm and composure is all the more surprising given that I am in the midst of preparing for a state audit, it is IEP season, and I haven’t even begun my taxes.  But it is welcome, and it will serve to motivate me through the next 25 days.

I gave up white sugar and flour in September for a 10 day Real Food Challenge; this time I hope to live without them for the entire 40 days of Lent.  The experiences have been different in some ways.  In September, 10 days seemed like an eternity to eat only “real food.”  That experience laid the groundwork for this endeavor, since I got used to reading labels and realized that not only could I go 10 days, I could also feel better in the process and lose a little weight.  Last time, I spent the first few days feeling crappy and thirsty.  This time, I have not felt the thirst, although I did have headaches in the first week and did not feel my best.

This time, like last, I set a start date– of course, since I am doing this for Lent, the start date was Ash Wednesday.  I set out on faith since 40 days is a bit of a stretch, and, surprisingly, these two weeks have flown by and I have experienced very little suffering.  The 10 day challenge gave me some skills and let me taste the benefits of changing my eating habits for the better.  This 40 day challenge is doing something else entirely.  It is, perhaps, setting the stage for a real lifestyle change.