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Clumsy Hands and Broken Feet- A Diagnosis

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This week I had the wind knocked out of my sails.  I was diagnosed with RA.  Rheumatoid Arthritis is an autoimmune version of arthritis where your body attacks the synovial lining/cavity of your joints and sometimes other organ systems like your eyes, lungs, vascular system, and heart.  It manifests as pain that usually begins in your hands and your feet-exactly where mine started abruptly this past fall.  I may have had RA for a while, but something triggered it prior to November.  I suspect a teeth cleaning that left me with swollen sore gums for weeks.

I already have one autoimmune disease- Hashimoto’s Disease [autoimmune hypothyroidism]- I wonder if there is a limit, like how many AI diseases can you get at one time?  I hope there’s a limit.  I found out I had Hashimoto’s when I was in my late 20’s.  I’m in good company, ie… there is a genetic predisposition, since both my sisters and my Mom have it and my late maternal grandmother did as well.  I am cool with this; I have it on lock.  I know this disease inside out, I self-titrate my natural thyroid [Armour], and I ignore well-meaning practitioners who tell me that my TSH is too low while disregarding other key blood markers and my physical well-being and self-awareness.  I am not afraid of Hashimoto’s.

My Grandfather suffered from Dermatomyositis [another AI disorder].  My sister has RA.  Yeah, that should have been a clue when my joints caught fire.  But, it wasn’t.  That was her disease; and one that I never planned on claiming.  I did not have RA- I like to hike, I’m active, and I always have at least 2 jobs.   I climbed a mountain in only average shape [for a 49-year-old] in April.  I run on my treadmill even when my knees and feet hurt. I don’t like to take drugs of any kind and I do like to eat clean [although I struggle with a love affair with sugar that I am seriously trying to end]. I had just lost more than 40 pounds and I was feeling great.  I was excited to turn 50!  RA was an image in my mind that did not fit with the image I have of myself.  So, when Dr. Belhorn said she was positive that I have it, she might as well have punched me right in the gut.  When I got into my car after that appointment, I did not have the key turned in the ignition before I was sobbing.  My denial had been so complete that I had an explanation for each puzzle piece.  My knees were stressed from the Zumba, my joints hurt because I was allergic to wheat and all of this was related to my skin rashes and eczema.  I even thought I might have lupus or psoriatic arthritis, maybe reactive arthritis, but I was pretty sure it wasn’t RA.

When you google RA images, you see this awful picture of a hand that might belong to the cannibalistic witch who locked Hansel up in a cage.  I can imagine that gnarled hand reaching in to retrieve the bones he would hand her when she tried to determine his fitness/fatness for cooking.  I know that it is not a death sentence, not directly, but it feels like a sentence of some sort– a sentence of having to put toxins into my body to prevent deformity and disability; a sentence of having to take handfuls of pills that make sick, a sentence of being tied to doctors [who belong to a profession I collectively mistrust].   So, I am researching and finding that there are a lot of weedy paths that you can get lost on and lots of scammers looking for an easy mark.  It’s hard to know whether to trust the doctors and researchers because to hammer-wielding people, everything looks like a nail.  I am not even sure if that analogy makes sense here, but I keep seeing clinicians holding hammers as I do this research.  I know that a plant-based diet, low in sugar and red meat that limits grains and sugar is optimal.  I know that fish oil, especially Krill oil helps.  I know that I need to stop being so angry because inflammation is a factor of seething anger, but I don’t know exactly how to let go of the anger that I have.  It’s a simmering, chronic anger that bubbles up when I sense injustice- real or imagined.  It’s an anger that is as self-indulgent as I believe depression or boredom to be.  It’s well hidden and most people who not have any clue that it’s there.  Perhaps some more therapy is in order, but I digress.

In October I had my teeth cleaned.  It wasn’t remarkable in any way and I have them cleaned like clockwork every 6 months.  I do remember that the hygienist was a bit aggressive, there was bleeding, and my gums proceeded to hurt for weeks afterward.  I was seriously worried I might have gingivitis and I was googling away.  I followed this with gargling– salt water and sometimes hydrogen peroxide, and I switched to a gluten-free tea tree oil toothpaste.   The gum pain eventually subsided, but then the joint pains began.  I did not immediately connect the two.

November.  The first pain was in my knees.  They were a bit swollen and so tender they hurt to be touched from the outside.  I thought it was the Zumba.  It can be hard on knees.  Then my elbow was so sensitive that sometimes when I leaned on a table with it I would react in extreme pain like being hit in the elbow or shocked.  When I turned in the bed it hurt.  My hands would go numb along with my finger tips.  One day I felt like I was walking on a stone.  I said that to everyone who would listen.  “I feel like I am walking on a big rock.”  Then, my big toe swelled and I could not bend it.  I thought I had gout.  Then my fingers began to hurt.  My ring finger joint swelled so big I couldn’t wear a ring.  It ached.  My thumb and knuckle were swollen and hurting.  I found some days I could not button a shirt.  Every day, pulling up my pants after using the bathroom hurt because it required that I hook my thumb and pull upward. And the foot pain… as soon as my feet hit the floor in the morning, I am reminded that my feet are broken.  It feels like walking on bloody stumps, or on feet that someone has smashed and broken the small bones in the center, under the balls.  This pain makes me walk funny and does not subside until I manage to walk it off so to speak about halfway through the morning or by lunchtime.  By evening, it is returning once I find myself sitting and then stand again.  The stiffness is from my hips down through my knees and into my feet right through to the arches.  The foot pain is the absolute worst.

I would still not have gone to the doctor about this– again the denial– if it were not for an acute shoulder incident in February that I related to a fall in the snow [but was really most likely a shoulder flare].  When I told the GP of my other joint pains, she diagnosed a rotator cuff injury, but did some blood work.   The rheumatoid workup results led me to a referral to a rheumatologist.  Before that appointment, I researched everything but RA.  Even sitting across from Dr. Belhorn, my denial persisted and she called me on it as I cross-examined her about the discoid rash on my thigh, the possibility of lupus, Dermatitis Herpetformis, and reactive arthritis.  She said that she would highly suspect RA in someone with my symptoms and an elevated RA factor.  My factor is not subtle, though, it is almost 200 and that is indicative of only a handful of illnesses in the absence of a positive ANA.  The family history cinches it.  So, she took more blood and x-rays and pending the outcome of those results, she will advise on how aggressively to proceed.  At this point, I am hoping for Plaquenil only, but I suspect she will also recommend Methotrexate.  I am pouring over RA blogs to get a sense of what works for different folks and what kind of side effects are widely experienced.

In retrospect, I see things now that could have been clues.  I felt last year like I was losing upper body strength when I could not win an arm wrestling match.  It literally startled me as I have always been pretty strong physically. My inability to work the latch on my grandson’s car seat could have been a clue- I became more and more frustrated by this and had to ask my other grandson to do it for me [I blamed the car seat].  I had trouble with lids, I dropped things more.  One morning this fall, I dropped my coffee cup for no apparent reason.  It just fell from my hand shattering and spilling while my students rushed to help me.  I have broken a bowl and two cups, at minimum, in the last 2 months.  I fall a lot.  There are so many and they keep coming back to me.  The day I was diagnosed, I felt defeated.  My pain felt worse and I felt sorry for myself.  That was only two days ago– it feels like a week–but I am bouncing back already.  I found a cool blog:

http://www.rheumatoidarthritisguy.com/

On it, there is a page of a mosaic of all sorts of people who have RA.  They are overwhelmingly female, but they are quite diverse and they don’t look like cannibalistic witches.  They look like normal people of all ages who are doing interesting things.   That was a turning point.  I said, “okay, I can do this.”  Thanks, RA guy [& all the people who submitted their pics and profiles].  I needed that.

Here’s to 2014

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Resolutions.  I had not planned to make one or any this year, but people kept asking and that got me to thinking.  I really don’t like making them because I don’t like failing, it’s the perfectionist in me.  Last year I planned to read the bible through the One Year Bible, and Lord that didn’t last long at all.  Turns out the bible is really tedious even in chronological order, although I did have some epiphanies in Job.  Last year was really a fabulous year in so many ways.  I would love this year to be as good or better, so I thought maybe I might look at any regrets I have from the past year.  Here is what I came up with in no particular order.

  • I regret the time I wasted on Facebook and playing Candy Crush [even though I have only been playing this frustrating and inane game for a few weeks now].
  • I regret not writing that book or even starting that book.
  • I regret not creating more- art, writing, possibilities, connections, etc….  I highly regret doing more consuming than creating.  I try very hard not to acquire more things, but someone I continue to acquire them.  I want to let things go, not collect them.  I want to create art and collect memories of experiences.  
  • I regret wasting time feeling angry at people- two major figures come to mind here.  One of the objects of my anger is a woman I barely know who continues to vex and hurt someone I deeply love and the other is a man who I should know very well, but he did such a poor job at one of the most important jobs ever given to him, that I do not.  
  • I regret any times I became short tempered with the people who I love or serve.

So, those are the big ones and I will shape my resolutions around them– to be kind to others even when I don’t feel my best, to create more and consume less, to funnel my anger into art instead of the atmosphere or my mouth through poor food choices, to move more and sit less, to find joy in experiences and connections.  If I can do these things, I know 2014 will exceed 2013.  Happy New Year.

Fit and Fab by 50

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Today I turned fifty.  I haven’t blogged for a while, but if this doesn’t call for a blog entry, I don’t know what does.  I can’t believe I am fifty, since it seems like I was just 24.  So, if you’re 24, here’s what you need to know about turning 50.

 If you get to see fifty, count yourself blessed.  I have lost friends and family who didn’t get to celebrate this magic number.  You won’t feel “old” even though when people who turned fifty before you were celebrating this day you thought, wow, that’s old.  Time really flies after 25.  The older you get, the less you care what other people think of you and the less filter you have when your thoughts turn into speech.  You get a bit more philosophical and hopefully kinder [I know I have].  You become more grateful for the little things like sunsets and nice fall weather and a good cup of coffee.  You realize that you need to get to stepping, because really, this is not a dress rehearsal… this is your life and it will only be what you make of it.  You realize that people are fallible and that they don’t mean to let you down any more than you mean to let them down.  You might begin to understand and believe that you can do anything you set your mind to do.  The only limits are the ones you place on yourself.  If you can imagine it, you can achieve it.

Last fall, I took up a challenge that I set for myself.  I decided that I would be “fit and fab by 50” and I signed up for a free health coach and began using Take Shape for Life featuring Medifast.  I had been feeling pretty squirrelly and I was blaming all of this on impending menopause.  Really, look at my entries from last year.  I was feeling dizzy and tired and my vision was becoming blurry [translation- I was developing diabetes and getting sicker and sicker].  I could literally not stay awake sometimes.  I thought, wow, this is what menopause feels like.. and it sucks.  I was already obese, but even weighing nearly 200 pounds I had still had always had curves that hinted at a waistline, but now that was even a distant memory.  My belly grew so big, I named her Betty.  I was pre-diabetic, and while my doctors had been telling me this for awhile, I had refused to believe them.   Consistent morning sugar readings above 100 and a HbA1c of 6.8, and finally, I could no longer deny it.  I decided to kick that b___’s ass before she could get in the door [so to speak], and I took control.  I didn’t have a lot of confidence that I could lose the weight, because I had been carrying it around in various quantities since my 26 year old son was born and I had come to accept it.  But, hot damn, it worked.  Something clicked- my mindset, the plan, whatever… it was the perfect storm.  I proceeded to lose 45 lbs in 5 or 6 months. My blood sugar stabilized and my HbA1c went to 5.2 in about 8 or 10 weeks.  It was amazing and easier than I ever imagined it could be.  So, over the past year, I feel like I have been transformed.  But let’s back up about 20 years and then 10.  

 Thirty was painful at times.  I didn’t feel fabulous.  I put my time and energy into my kids and my home and church and neglected myself badly. Don’t get me wrong, I loved being a Mom to my kids and doing holidays and planning outings and spending time with them, but I was sleepwalking through life because I was putting off certain things to when I would “lose the weight.”  I was also seriously lacking energy and getting more and more out of shape.  Forty was hard.  I was fat and my marriage was failing.  It was just about to hit the fan.  My oldest son went off to college and my youngest was left to deal with his parents’ marriage falling apart.  The next few years were a blur of pain and anguish culminating in the death of my ex and my boys’ father in a boating accident.  Some days I didn’t feel like getting out of bed.  But I was pushing forward and felt like I had to fight the world a lot of the time.  A few years ago, the tide started to turn and I began to find some peace.  Flash forward to this time last year when I found Fit and Fab by 40 on You Tube and decided to steal her handle and quest + 10.  

 I started the day after my birthday last year.   So, here we are one year later and I am not sure how fabulous I am, but I know how fabulous I feel.  I feel healthier, more free, happier, and more energetic than I did at 30 or 40.  

 Today, I turn fifty.  Over the past year I have lost nearly 50 lbs.  This morning I had a 50-year roof put on my home.  Powerful symbols for a day poised between a powerful year and the rest of my life.

H.A.L.T.

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Okay, so if you follow me, you may have noticed that I changed the name of my blog again.  Acknowledged.  And, we are just going to leave it at that.  If you know me, you’ll figure it out.

I wanted to comment on a new acronym I learned from a friend who is in recovery:  H.A.L.T., which stands for hungry, angry, lonely, tired.  Sidebar:  I am fascinated by addiction and recovery for myriad reasons.  One, I own that I have addict-like behavior where food is concerned.  I spent the better part of my adult life medicating with sugar/fat and white flour.   Two, I have lived with and loved an addict.  Three, I think the majority of us are addicts in some form or shape, we just use different substances/behaviors to mask our pain–  some people shop, some people take risks or have affairs, some people medicate with food, some people have addictive behavior associated with religion, and the list is endless….

So, I learned that people in recovery use this acronym as a gauge to determine how susceptible they might be to using/falling into addict-like behavior[s].  If you are experiencing at least two of these at any given moment, then you are at risk for relapse.  If you have more than 2, you might need to call your sponsor or head to a meeting.

I have been working on losing weight and gaining optimal health [with the goal of ultimately leaving behind my addictive relationship with food] since October.  I am experiencing success.  It’s up and down, but it’s success nonetheless.  I have had some planned cheats, admittedly some of these turned into snowball situations.  And, I have also had some times when I just went suddenly AWOL for no apparent reason.  Obviously, I continue to have addict style behaviors where food is concerned.  Reflection upon those times where I have gone off the end of a cliff so to speak, shows that I indeed was experiencing at least two of these four apocalyptic horsemen each time I derailed.  Angry is sometimes just frustrated or irritable.  Tired is a big trigger for me.  Lonely is a no brainer- I rarely go off a cliff with witnesses.  Hungry, well, when you’re trying to head off a diet catastrophe, hunger would certainly be a big factor.

TSFL is a plan that helps by making sure that you keep your blood sugar stable and that you eat small and very frequent ‘meals’ [I understand that it’s a stretch to call them meals].  It is also a plan that focuses heavily on community.  Having a coach and a community of support goes a long way to keeping me from becoming lonely and I know that I have people I can call on at any time to talk me off a ledge or alter my perception in a positive way.  I am finding out as I go along, that sleep is more important than I ever imagined.  Research shows that getting less sleep can increase your appetite and make you actually consume more calories.  My motivation and energy wane when I get less than 6 hours of sleep a night, especially over a period of time.  Luckily, this plan and its mild ketosis offers extra energy, but I have to be careful not to get tricked into thinking I don’t need my 7+ hours of sleep a night.  Anger, I have found, retreats during times of mild ketosis and I get into a calm zen state, however, whenever I do choose to cheat and go out of ketosis, I know that I will deal with anger/frustration/irritability again as I walk through that tough place between eating off plan and going back in to ketosis.  Those have been some of my most trying moments.

So, remember H.A.L.T.  whatever your addiction might be.  Keep yourself nourished– physically and spiritually.  Stay in community and relationship with others.  Have strategies to deal with anger and frustrations when they arise.  Love yourself.  ❤

Back on the Bus

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Okay, so I am going to talk about food again; specifically, what happens when you go off plan and then come back on.  So, just a pre-warning, in case you are sick to death of hearing about my current eating proclivities, that’s where this is going.  I started on plan on Oct. 2nd, and did not have my first cheat until Christmas.  It was then, that I made my first discoveries about my body’s reaction to carbs and about how taste and preference and habits can change.  I have had another cheat [actually two in a row sort of] and so I feel compelled to talk about what this has taught me so far.  The reason I feel a need to share this is because when you have been on plan for a long time [ie.. longer than a few weeks or a month] and you are thinking about going off plan, you wonder things like: “How is this going to make me feel?” or  “How much weight might I gain?” or “How damaging is this to my overall progress or my health in general?”  I had many more questions than this, but you get the idea.  I actually googled some of these questions trying to find out if others had written about their experiences with going off and back on plan.  Hopefully, this will help others who are faithfully following their plan and making wonderful progress toward their goals to decide if, when, and how they might go off plan and then come back on.  It can possibly just give you more points for your risk-to-benefit ratio list.

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The trajectory of this post will change due to some influences over the past week, not the least of which has been Daniel Cox [I’ll end this post on a video note from him].  I will, however, continue with my original direction for a moment by saying that I chose Valentine’s Day as a planned cheat day.  I love chocolate so very much that having a planned cheat day helps me to keep from caving to temptation by allowing me to say “later” instead of “no, thank you.”

On Valentine’s Day, I was only able to wait until about 1:30 pm before I caved to temptation.  I had a little smartly decorated brown paper sack on my desk full of goodies and I chose one of my very favorites to indulge in:  A 3 in. Hershey chocolate bar.  I love chocolate and appreciate fine chocolate, but I am also devastatingly loyal to Hershey.  There is something about the taste and the melt point and the teeth sink, especially in these little bars that are slightly thicker than a traditional bar and not as thick as a kiss, that does me in.  So, I took that first bite…. and …. o. m. g.  …. it was so wonderful!  I ate that mini Hershey bar so much faster than I intended to. Before I knew it, I had eaten four of them; yes, I said 4 of them!  I then began stuffing candy into my mouth like Charlie Bucket.  The next piece was a Reese’s peanut butter heart, which was oh so forgettable followed by one of those long skinny Tootsie Rolls.  Now, when I got to the Tootsie Roll, I was able to stop and take stock and realize that it didn’t even taste remotely pleasant.  It tasted sort of plastic and watery sweet– so underwhelming that I spit it into the trash after only chewing for a few bites.  After this orgy of candy eating, I felt slightly nauseous and out of control.   I was horrified that I could be so seemingly in charge for so many weeks only to behave like a fiending junkie when faced with the opportunity to indulge in a planned cheat.  What I learned?   Candy, specifically chocolate candy, is a trigger food that makes me behave like a shameless, unconscious addict.

Later that day, I continued my planned cheat with wine at supper [first glass since September] and Lily’s pizza [2.5 slices] followed by buttered popcorn and Nestle’s Bunch-a-Crunch at the movies.  The wine was heavenly as was the pizza, especially that pillow-like crust that sent waves of pleasure through my entire body.  If it sounds like I have a sexual relationship with food, it’s because I do; you are not imagining this.  Now, the Bunch-a-Crunch and the popcorn were  big let downs, probably because I had already indulged so much this day that I had reached a saturation point of sorts, but more likely because they never were really that good and I am just realizing this.  What I learned:   good pizza is really wonderful and so is a great glass of Riesling after a five month absence, but I wasted a lot of time pining for popcorn and Bunch-a-crunch when it is not really that good, and finally, carbs make me incredibly sleepy and behave just like narcotics in my body.

Next day, I felt really ready to go back on plan and I did, but then came Saturday when Bean and I and the kids were out of town at a getaway to the Great Wolf Lodge where we found that our hotel had its very own Dunkin’ Donuts, Pizza Hut, and Dippin Dots outlets.  Bean said he might not stay on plan while we were there and I found myself encouraging him by saying, “oh, that’s fine, I might not either.”  Lesson learned- coming recently off a cheat makes me more susceptible to cheating again [it’s a slippery slope, folks] and being the addict that I am where food is concerned I found myself in rationalization mode.  Good habits die hard, though, and so this day became about the battle between good and evil inside of me.  I carried my OP snacks and water about and watched Bean and little beans eat fries, corn dogs, and chicken tenders and I walked around the water park irritable and complaining about the lack of a lazy river, about the temperature, about the wetness of everything [really], but even when faced with Cracker Barrel for supper, those good habits were still winning battles when I chose a low-carb option of a burger and turnip greens for supper.  I was full and satisfied and did not need another thing that evening, but I lost my head again when sitting in the lobby of this den of temptation and it was me [I know, I cannot believe it or that I am admitting this] who suggested that we go downstairs and have ice cream in a waffle cone and then wake up to a breakfast of Dunkin’ Donuts and coffee.  I suddenly had gone off the edge.  I was in free fall and ready to make poor choices for the remainder of the weekend.    Note:  the ice cream was forgettable and not worth eating.  I fell into a carb fueled sleep but woke anticipating those donuts.  The donuts were really good- Dunkin’ Donuts knows how to make ’em and when they are fresh, they are divine.  I found myself having a much better day in the water park.  Bean commented, “wow, you seem so much more relaxed today.”   The connection was clear– I was calmer and more relaxed because I was impaired.. like a junkie– I had slept after a fix and woke to another fix and I was feeling fine, medicated right into bliss.  I continued this crazy binge with Bojangles for lunch, Chubby’s Tacos for supper, and raspberry thumbprint cookies from Francesca’s for dessert!

Writing about this makes me see the addict in me so much clearer.  It is scary as hell and I can tell you that I was more than ready to go back on plan.  The price of re-boarding the TSFL bus next morning was that I would have to go through days of irritability and would not be back into mild ketosis and feeling really good again for anywhere from a few days to a week.  I also paid with the weight I would have lost during this week or so and I am sure there were negative effects on my blood sugar, triglycerides, and other body systems.  What I learned, though, was that even though I have been following this plan for over four months I still have work to do toward reframing my relationship with food.  Going back on plan was comforting on so many levels:  I felt in control again, I was now back to structured choices within a defined scope, and I was eating those foods that had taken me to this new place that I love so much– my cereal crunch and my hot cocoa and chicken noodle soup.

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And so now, here I am over a week after I went off plan [or as Daniel Cox puts it- “got off the bus”] and I am back into mild ketosis and feeling pretty darn good again.  The downside is that I weigh the same as I did before my planned cheat, so I literally lost over a week of progress.  This week was not has difficult as I anticipated, although I did have a meltdown about 5 or 6 days in where I over-reacted to something Bean did and got so upset I cried.  Daniel is so right when he talks in his videos about having to feel our feelings when we can’t eat them anymore  and, well, sometimes they just come spilling right out over the top.

So, in the do as I say and not as I do spirit, I will end with a video by Daniel Cox who is a fellow health coach.You should check out his YouTube channel if you are already on TSFL and he will motivate you in so many ways.  I loved this particular video because it helps put going off plan into perspective and I like that he ‘gets real’ with his viewer in sort of Dr. Phil style.  So, thanks, Daniel.  You are an amazing inspiration.  I don’t necessarily regret going off plan this time because of what I learned, but I want you to know that in part because of you…I plan to “stay on the bus.”

Be calm & keep moving forward..

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I have been meaning to write this post for a number of days now.  Some of you may know that my weight loss journey has been so successful this go round that I decided to pay it forward and become a health coach for Take Shape for Life.   Anyone who has talked to me in the past 3 months knows that I am crazy excited over this program and how it has worked.  That might lead them to believe that it has been easy for me or glitch-free, but that is not the case.  The things I love about this program are that it is:

  • so simple to follow
  • that it is healthy and balanced
  • the weight loss is faster than on other plans I have been on [seriously, ever]
  • that it is structured enough that I don’t self sabotage by making poor food choices that hijack my blood sugar or fudge on points and flexpoints

I love how it makes me feel- more energized, more alert upon waking, empowered, and sometimes giddy with excitement.  But I have not been successful because I have more will power than someone else [I most certainly do not] or because I lose weight easily [I do not- I have hypothyroidism and it is harder for me to lose weight].  And while it has been the most successful weight loss journey I have had in my adult life [and the most swift], it has not been without moments of doubt or feelings of frustration. 

I have only been a coach for a month now. My new clients include my sister, my boyfriend, my sister’s friend, and several other personal friends. Some of them have complained at times that they are not losing fast enough, that they did not lose fast enough in the first week, that they did not lose fast enough in the second week, or other complaints about the pounds and the numbers of the scale.  My sister called one day and said, “I don’t know what is going on, I haven’t lost any weight for six days and I am getting discouraged.”  I said, “my goodness, you lost 22 lbs. in 25 days- that is almost a pound a day- your body needs to rest every now and again or you are going to look like a Shar Pei!”   She has a lot to lose and had large glycogen stores and lost quickly in the early days.   Some have been disappointed that they “only” lost 5 in the first week and someone else lost 9.  They are happy when they are losing a pound a day or 7-12 in a week, but then dejected when they have a week where they lose none or just a few.  They look at me, seemingly shrinking away in just 3 months and want that and want it now.  Well, these three months have been longer than you think, and I think it is important that I share some details of my weight loss. 

Month Pounds Lost Numbers I was seeing on the scale
October 17.5 190’s
November 5.5 180’s
December 7.5 170’s
January TBD 160’s

I have lost more than 35 pounds, but I started at the beginning of October.  If you look at the chart above, you will see that I have gone steadily downward since I began the plan and I have only gone off plan once- Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.   If I made a chart of what the numbers looked like each day, you would see how they go up, down, same, up, down, down, same, down- well, you get the idea.   I was discouraged during the times the scale stayed the same or went up, but I trusted that if I followed this plan, there was nowhere to go but down.  I am glad I did not give up. Weight loss is a funny funny thing, too.   You don’t lose in a linear fashion, you have ups and downs even when following the plan.  This is mostly because you are more than70% water and your degree of hydration at any given moment affects the numbers on the scale.  Weight loss is funny too, because you won’t always like how it looks.  When I first started losing quickly, I looked at my thighs at the end of the second month and thought, OMG, I can’t live with these hideous things!  They were sagging and looked like they had had bites taken out of them, like literally there were lumps and bulges in weird places and they were not smooth or shapely.  A month later, they are bagging less and in different places and the bulges and hollows have moved.  As your fat cells shrink, they do not do this in a perfect and orderly fashion, it is sort of haphazard and random.

What if I had quit after that first plateau?  I would have gone back to my old eating ways and most likely gained it all back and more.  It would be three months later and I would remain stuck and feeling sluggish and fat and like a failure. I would not have been able to open a package from Kohl’s and remove a size 10 petite pants and hold them up and go, “geez, I will never get into these tiny little things,” only to have them fit!!!  What a moment that was!  What if I had quit during December when every single day someone was eating wonderous foods around me- butter cookies, candy, cake, meatballs in sweet sauce, martini’s, you name it and the weight was not falling off of me- remember I only averaged a little over a pound and a half a week that month.  I would have missed that moment today, when I walked into REI and took a size L blouse off the sale rack because they run so small  there, only to have to go back and get a medium!  If I had given up, I would not have had my first glimpses at my collarbones 28 years!!

If you are not losing fast enough on this plan, go back and read your quick start guide and make sure you are not   messing up on types of leans or greens and their amounts.  Make sure you are not using too many condiments [half n half, parmesan cheese, artificial sweeteners, whipped cream, etc…].  Determine that you are drinking enough water because this is the hardest part for some people and losing weight robs you of water.  If you are sick, go off the plan and come back on later.  Get well first; the plan works best when you are healthy and well hydrated. 

Ultimately, know that if you follow the plan– you will be smaller next week than you are today, you will be much smaller next month, and the next, no matter what numbers are on the scale.  Try not to be a slave to the scale– they are just numbers and you are much more than numbers.  People ask me how much more I want to lose.  At just over 160, I would need to lose at least 35 more to be at an optimal BMI, but those are numbers; I will know when I get there.  Already, I feel younger, I move easier, I breathe easier, I snore less, I feel more energetic, I wake up easier in the morning, I pant less when walking up hills or stairs, I can run faster and for longer jaunts.  I am happier and I make new discoveries about myself every day.  I have learned I was eating way more food than my body needed for most of my life.  I have learned that I can live without bread and Hershey kisses, that I can make small, continuous choices that add up to big success.  I have learned that I can live without leaning on my drug of choice when in crisis or stressed- sugar; and that instead, I can lean on others, I can write, I can go for a walk, I can have a cup of tea, or I can just have a good cry. 

So, when you tell me that you are frustrated and the scale is not doing or saying what you want it to say;  I understand.  I have been there and will be there again.  But, I can tell you that only three months into this journey, every one of those moments have been worth it. 

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”

― Martin Luther King Jr.

Christmas Eve Gratitude

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So, it’s been a while since I paid any attention to this blog.  Mostly because my life goes at such a dizzying speed that I cannot keep up enough to document any of it.  I really need to change the name of my blog, since turns out I wasn’t/am not quarter of the way to Menopause- at least not a quarter of a year from there.  So much has happened since I began hyper-focusing on Menopause and how it might be wrecking havoc in my life.  Changing my attitude and focus, well, that sort of solved the premature Menopause crisis.  How did this happen?  Well, I stopped looking in and started looking out.  Shortly after I named my belly, I carefully began to watch as a friend began to shrink and come out of her shell so to speak.  She was doing this crazy diet plan that I wanted no part of.  I didn’t do liquid plans [turns out it wasn’t a completely liquid plan- yay]; I didn’t do such prescribed plans, and I would never do I plan where I had to purchase food!

Fast forward to Sept. when betty was so big I could not deny her existence and she was making my life miserable- I saw her in store window reflections that startled me, I saw her when I looked down in the shower [or out], I tried to pull my clothing over her or make buttons stay closed… well, you get the idea.  That bitch had to go.  So, I began researching this product and I found that it had chemistry behind it, that it was medically safe [the fact that it was promoted by some physicians did not influence me since I continually question why we give them such trust and responsibility with our health], and most importantly… that it worked.  It worked fast and furiously and I wouldn’t have to think about the zone or the south beach or a point or a calorie or a carb.  I would not have to have the perfect ratio of protein, fat, carb, and fiber because someone else was going to do that for me.  I could take food off the radar and live my *&^%ing life.

Cue to Sept 28 when my shipment arrived.  I’ll post the video later.  I was excited to begin and ready to commit.  Oct. 2nd was my start date, and today.. just a wee 83 days later [just shy of 12 weeks], I’ve gone from 196 to 167 this morning and turned all those numbers on their heads– including the big one I was aiming for- HbA1c.  In fact, it’s down in the normal range again from pre-diabetic and I did that in 2 months!

So, on Christmas Eve, 2012, I am grateful for so many things, the primary being my family and their health and wellness and the love of an incredible man who is my best friend, but I am also grateful that my eyes were opened, that I was given this opportunity to change my health and improve the quality of my life.  I am grateful that I have new self confidence that I can do this- I can take control of my weight and my health.  My only regret is that I didn’t start this 20 years ago.  I am living the secret, and now I truly believe that if I can see it- I can achieve it [which I have long subscribed to but did not believe where my weight was concerned].  And so, this morning, as I contemplate a one day reprieve commencing sometime tomorrow and lasting perhaps 4-8 hours, I am pausing at the precipice, and because of those numbers this morning, I will carefully consider each choice I have to make.  This all fills me with joy.  Merry Christmas!

Well, I guess a name change is in order

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So, if you know why my blog is now titled One Quarter of the Way to Menopause, then you know that I have been enjoying tampon free days now for like nearly 5 months– until this past weekend.  So, I guess now I will have to call this blog one year until menopause since I just reset that clock.  In some ways it was a relief, since it feels like I have been having PMS for at least 5 weeks.  If I had become any more bloated, I was going to have to purchase some maternity clothing.

Now, when you think that your period is gone for good, don’t get too awfully excited, because apparently if it comes back, you might feel like you should have been building an ark.  So, now I am 5 days into this unexpected period from hell which also came along with a sore throat and an impending blue moon during the first week of back to school.  Isn’t that special?

I backed off the hormone creams at least for the week in case they confounded my body and caused this flood.  I am 3 weeks into them and here is what I have:

  • I have slept better
  • I started my period again
  • I have experienced increased libido
  • I have not lost any weight
  • I have been walking and running 5-10 miles a week
  • I have actually gained 4 pounds
  • I am continually bloated to the point of distraction and despair [wtf]
  • I have been calmer and less lethal mood-wise
  • my hair shed has decreased
  • I have experienced a shoe crisis
  • I am a tiny bit less scattered
  • I do not have significantly more energy

I am also now taking the vitamin D mega dose, a multi vitamin with probiotics, saw palmetto [that’s a whole other story], cinnamon with chromium picolinate, and Diflucan

I am about to abort the Diflucan because it might be what has made me feel like total &*^( this week and made my throat feel like I swallowed razors [that stuff is freaking toxic].

I have not begun the LDN yet, which again, is a whole other narrative which I will tackle when I am not exhausted.

I am about to finish this cup of Holy Basil tea and go to bed.

*scream*

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Crappiest day of the month so far- so much so that I have cried no less than 3 or 4 times today.  You would think me a mental patient.  The first time I cried was about lunch time and I got on the treadmill to have that cry.  I figured the walking/running/exercise thing might be helpful.  I can’t even remember what I was crying about.  Honestly.  So, I looked back to last month when I was writing about my crappiest day, and it was on the 22nd of July.   Today is the end of the 19th day of August, so it has been– get this:  shocker- about 28 days since my last crappiest day of the month.  Notice a trend here?   I don’t have a period anymore, but apparently I still have a fucking cycle-  I just don’t get relief at the end of it.

I feel like a balloon that needs to pop– figuratively and literally.  Literally, because I have the beastly menopause symptom known as bloating.  If you think you’ve been bloated before, and you’ve not made it to perimenopause– you have not experienced the mother of all bloating.  Even your underpants feel tight.  It feels like you gained 5 pounds and it’s all in your middle.  Muffin top? No, this is more like a giant souffle that overran your waistband.  And trying to suck it in like you used to be able to pretend you could do– don’t even think about it.  You can suck something in, but don’t make the mistake of turning sideways and looking into a mirror.

Yesterday was almost as bad.  I was driving Al to REI to get his hiking gear.  This is my twenty year old who does not have a job or go to school or do anything really productive right now.  I am more than willing to buy him hiking and survival gear from REI because I am trying to encourage him to walk away from me… and yes– survive.  Symbolic?   I think, yes.  But no, really, he does sort of plan to do a thru hike of some sort, or become an au pair in Holland, or backpack across Europe sometime in the fuzzy future.  But, I digress.  So, on the way, he asks me if I ever have a day when I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and of course I think he is reading my mind, but I say, “yes, I feel that way right now.”  I was having one of those bad hair, don’t look in the mirror days, feeling awfully bloated yesterday, too, and longing for a waistline again and some of those new platform stilettos.  I wonder if there is some sort of inverse relationship going on there.

So, I suggested we go by DSW, which is a giant shoe store.  I am not sure what DSW stands for, but I think the S & the W stand for shoe warehouse.  It should be called GSW-MWS [Giant Store Warehouse of Mostly Women’s Shoes] since Al noted that only about 1/5 or less of the floor space is devoted to men’s and children’s shoes.  All the rest of that acreage is women’s shoes. He was looking for a certain kind of toe shoes for running on rocks and I was in search of some stacked stilettos that might make me feel sexy again.

First of all, you must know that I have a wide foot.  It’s rather pretty, but sort of platypus-like in its shape, and so shoes that fit in the width don’t always fit in the length or have heels that my foot slips up and out of.  I found a number of suitable pairs, though, because this shoe store has all sizes and widths.  I found this really sharp pair of two-tone heels by, who of all people, but Jessica Simpson.  Let me see if I can find a picture of them:  Okay, well that was an ordeal.  Who knew there were millions of shoe images available for any description of shoe?  So, here is the closest I could come to the shoes I had to have, except mine seemed prettier with a black back and heel and higher, if that is possible.  Seriously, I know they don’t look that intimidating, but they seemed much higher than this, even though they probably weren’t.

I put them on and they looked divine, I mean absolutely lovely, except that my heel did slip a bit, but who’s heel wouldn’t when standing on tippy toes and then trying to walk.  So, I decided to leave my flip-flops in the box and walk in these shoes across the acres of store to a spot all the way on the other side where there is a rack of inserts and gel things to make your shoes fit better and where I last saw Alex, to get his opinion.  If you can, picture me teetering very gingerly across the carpet, trying not to break my ankle or pitch completely forward onto my face.  The sales woman was looking at me with a look of bemusement, so I asked if they also had classes to teach people how to walk in these things.  She just smiled this sort of lackadaisical smile.  By the time I found Alex, I felt as if I had had quite a lower body workout already and my toes were almost completely numb.  I found a pair of gel heel inserts and stuck them in there, only to find they don’t help at all.  Alex thought they looked really nice on my feet [for stripper shoes], but he did note that if I had trouble walking less than four feet in them and for less than 3 minutes in the store, they probably weren’t very practical.  Don’t you hate when your twenty year old blinds you with common sense logic?  I was looking at these works of art on my feet, but also realistically picturing myself trying to walk down the church aisle in my vestments and in these shoes, holding a hymnal, singing, and trying to remain upright or walking on a wood or tile floor without feeling as if I were ice skating.  These shoes with the 4 inch plus heels are so high, it is literally like existing on pointe in toe shoes all day.  I have to hand it to the women who do it.  I am not sure that I could be one of those women for more than an hour or two at a time.  My usual dress up shoes are Clarks, Tevas, and Danskos, and living on the edge for me is a pair of Cole Haans or Donald Pliners.

You might ask, what.. besides menopause, is bringing on this need for heels at this late date?  My sister did when I told her this story on the phone on the way home from our shopping trip.  She said, “Kim, you’re too old to start wearing ‘ho heels now.”  So, I thought about this today, and was surprised at what I came up with.  Only, I can’t tell you because it might embarrass my boyfriend, and no it is not what you are thinking.

Needless to say, though, I now am the proud owner of these cute Tom’s wedges that he admired on my feet last week.  That is as far as I am taking that.